The World is Scaring Me to Death!

  1. The World is scaring  me to death!  There are endless things that could kill or annoy me instantly…..at any time!

Like:   GMO foods, pharmaceutical drugs and even worse the commercials, air, water and land, cruise ships, hair spray, mimes (just because) spit, masks, costumes (flammable),  politics, guns and overlording, mosquitoes, Twinkies, lettuce, Helen Reddy songs, mouthwash, microwaves, Fox, CNN, Cable, Full House (the show), led lights, rhetoric, platitudes, attitudes, endless selfies, psychobabble, Twitter,  eh, po, mo, za being called Scrabble “words”, Instagram, and paint guns, nail polish remover, smoking, gambling, congregating,, hoediwns, line dancing, bunny hops,  debates, bad news looping all day, social distance (an oxymoron), disappointments and sorrow, job, no job, job, no job, Amazon, over Zooming, The Dump,  loud patterns, loud people, fumes, chemtrails, rap music,  loud noise at the 7-11 at 3 a.m, rat poison, rats and bats, big bugs, a masked person with a gun! (wait that’s my neighbor! [ think can”t tell]), reruns of Three’s Company,  “Real” Housewives,  Dobermans, pit bulls, a random elephant attack,  a plane crash, bus crash, just being on bus,  tripping on a rock, and hitting head, McDonalds “burgers”,  fries, shakes, sucrose, fructose, corn syrup, cooking oil,  Triscuits, biscuits, Senomyx,  trans fats, low fats, butterfat,   Vogue magazine (scary, is the model a man, woman, hybrid, clone) product a puzzle,  teens dressed like hookers,  the show T.J Hooker, young men with pants down, couture hats, Charles Nelson Reilly, shows with panels of judges , (enough I say, but who am I),  caffeine, jellybeans, polyester, radiium,  big box stores,  Starbucks “coffee”, radiation,  radio waves, cell phones, cell towers, 5g, “killer 5 g” coming (ad?),  g strings, onion rings,  hurricanes, candy canes, tornadoes, storms, a giant piece of hail, a bird attack, The Birds movie, any movie with Saw and Death in title,  brutality, insecticides, arsenic in my rice, Stove Top Stuffing (what’s in there), Giant chicken breast at Jewel, bigger than entire chicken, (what is it really? A buffalo breast?),  gangs, violence,  asbestos, baby powder,  a blowfish attack (politicians),, Dr Oz (really from there),  Cannon (tbe show), Barnaby Jones (the show), sharks, tidal waves, radio waves, spam on email or in can,  alien invasion, shock of seeing green alien in Walmart,  knives, swords, machetes, razor blades, bows and arrows,  boulders, gummy anything,  cancers,  sulffites, nitrates,  syringes filled with mystery fluid,  Jagermeister, diet coke,  nutrasweet, aspertame, Hostess cupcakes,  explosions, ibs, carbon monoxide, experts, kid actors, clowns, ecoli, raw meat, fake meat, mystery meat, plant (petroleum) meat, pollution,  poison in basically anything unless I grow it,  projectiles, sneezes, wheezes and geezers, spiders, snakes,  cannonballs, body fluids,  100 year olds driving cars into buildings, smoke, fires, catastrophes, apostrophes, calamities, Covid, bird flu, swine flu, H1N1, Zika, bat soup, Aids, basic flu, leukemia, diabetes, pneumonia, high blood pressure, militias, stampedes, centipedes,  sodium, fluoride,  margarine, I can’t believe it’s not butter (I can), anything in a can, metals, aluminum, plastics, fighting,  infighting, verbosity, pomposity, fake celebrities  deceptions and lies,  takeovers, lockups and downs, cakes and mud pies, plastic wrap, tin foil, hormones in fast “food”,over sanitizing,  suffocation, asphyxiation, lacerations, landslides, earthquakes, asteroid hitting earth,, the movie ‘The Shape of Water”, …The Edward Munch painting ‘The Scream”…..because I hate that painting and now I can relate to it!

My head is swarming with “experts”.  Authorities here there and everywhere.

I just can’t taket it!  I will just pray to God because I know this is Not what he envisioned.   I know he is not tuning in to Netflix and chowing down on Mcnuggets and yelling at news feeds.  Well maybe he is. (the news feeds) …but I trust his judgment.

My alarm is ringing…..why its another day in paradise!!!.  I push off the satn sheets in my cabana in Bora Bora, shake my long silky hair and thank God  profusely that was all a horrible horrible nightmare like the Dallas episode years ago.  Everybody us frolicking here in the sand and ocean eating mangoes and  coconuts, swimming in clear turquoise waters  getting along just swell.  A rainbow of people.  I see a taupe man,  a nagenta woman, no one here cares. The only device here is my hammock swaying in the warn breeze…..     Life is but a dream…..  If only…..

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Now a Flower Child or “A day in my life”

“Woke up, got out of bed

dragged a comb across the hair on my head

stared at my coffee cup

Knew I did not have to be up

Went back and went o sleep

Woke up the following week

Put on my mask and scrubs

And went out to watch the doves…”

Yes it’s a simpler time.  A time where I no longer have to even look at a clock.  A time when I need one outfit.  For a week. A time…but there is no time….no time……..no time…

Oh where am I?????   Apparently in the local park….surrounded by people wearing masks…is it October? Am I entering a period of early forgetfulness?

I am in a tree.  Yes I climbed in…It’s so nice in here…people drift by…do not have to sell them things.

I forget and ask a rakish man in a checkered smock and tam:

“Mr. do you need some polyester pants?  You’d rather have a Pepsi?”

“I see.  A Pepsi. I remember those.  But I do not have one..  I have a packet of saltines?  No?   No flautas either. But I do have a nice green leaf

You see I am one with this tree

Perhaps there never was. Perhaps I am whirling around Mars in a Nine West dress.clutching  a Betsy Johnson purse in the shape of a prune.

Instead  I am twirling in the grass in bare feet (in need of a pedicure if anyone cared to look at my feet) which they don’t. Just twirling….no cares until I step in sqish.. or.what appears to be dog poo…oh so sorry to offend…I think it’s in the Scrabble Dictionary….poo or is it po…

Aaaah, I am like a Dali painting…surreal, abstract, almost like Kahlo but I have two brows still.   Like Jackson Pollock I am simply spatter…Like Picasso’s muse I am geometric, one eyed and blue, out of joint, my hip on my toe….

I don’t talk to people.  I keep my distance and my promise to keep my distance and my promise, to keep my distance..wait!  I am not starring in a musical today!

I cannot sing…Remember “Making Love in my Chevy Van?”  Did they make a fortune from that song?  Am I digressing?

.I have become one…one with the earth, sky and sand…one with the birds…trees and  rocks.

I am one with the protons, electrons and neurons?  I am obviously miniscule and fast.

I am one…with that empty Gatorade bottle…I am one with the babbling lady in plaid, I am one with that daffodil., I am one with that Nissan Sentra,  I am one with that packet of Kleenex….which I need.

If there were time, it would be about 7 am.

I am Julie Christie in an abstract London  movie.

It’s 7:05 2020

Life is absolutely groovy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I Hate Wearing a Mask…..

Before I write anything, this is not meant to offend the seriousness of the virus or the seriousness of hostile people.  But…

I HATE wearing a mask.

Everybody looks like they are about to be robbed or about to perform surgery.

I saw a man with a welders mask over a mask.  Is this not overkill?

I saw a young woman pushing a stiffly prone 120 year old woman in a mask in a wheelchair.  My question is: was this old woman still alive?

At 7-11 the young guy behind the counter, behind the sheet of plastic, swathed in plastic himself, covered in a mask could barely reply when I said hello.  He was like a human fruit roll up!

I had on the bikini of masks (just a piece of gingham) in comparison.

The mask, while great for Halloween or bank robberies is not so wonderful for everyday use.

I find myself pulling it down (like a sports bra) so my nose can get air.   I can smell my breath (minty) and my glasses fog up

I can’t see to buy an essential!

Where are the essentials?  I CANNOT SEE ESSENTIALS!

I already had to deal with bras and hair color.  Now masks!!!!!

Don’t get me started on sanitizers that stick to my skin and contain ingredients not grown on earth.

Could the sanitizers be a mask for something else?  Something that is, say, sanitary?

But I digress.

The mask does have benefits.

It keeps spit off my face.  It allows me not to wear lipstick (appropriately named).

When the wind blows, the mask holds my hair on my head hiding my bald spot.

I have no satin masks so I do not have to dress up

The mask hides my identity so I won’t be publicly stoned for writing this.

But I just hate wearing a mask.

PS.  What if someone sneezed into their arm and something escaped, flew through the air and went down my sock….  Could I still get it?

 

 

 

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No Bra on Face

I thought I had seen it all.  But these are unprecedented times

When I go out (while still allowed) I see doctors, nurses and surgeons…but wait….those are dish gloves, not surgical….and that’s not a surgical mask it’s a composite of socks and scarves made into a mask. And those are sweats, not scrubs

These are regular people in costume!

(Some of them look scary!)

I saw a wild eyed man in a mask just sauntering down the street.  In the old days I could just call 911.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“There’s a wild eyed man in a mask walking down the sidewalk and it’s only 9:30 am!

But looking like a criminal is the new normal.  Until today.

Today I saw a woman with a C cup plastered to her face! A half bra around her head!  I must need more coffee!  No, she is coning my way wearing half her bra on her head.

I almost sneezed (in my elbow), then laughed.

Staying alive now is a huge responsibility. I could kill someone just by breathing.

Was this in the Times too? “Woman inhales:  20 die.”

But I digress again. Please don’t startle me to death with undergarments on your face.

No jockey straps or bras please!

It does not look like a mask, except in some off color comedy that plays nowhere.

And is it sanitary? Really?

 

P.S.  No offense to anyone intended…

 

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My Mother and her Mysterious Papers

For 30 years, every day, my mother has exclaimed, “My papers!  Tomorrow, I will get through them tomorrow.”  Just like Scarlett O’Hara.

What are these papers?  They sound so important but I glimpsed the top of one pile and saw a coupon for Charmin. (That’s one paper you can toss.)

Now mom admitted to me that when she remarried she carted a full garbage bag of papers to her new home.  And then poured the papers on the floor.  Did she add water and stir?  No. She put them back in the bag and far away in a closet

Now after the marriage ended. my lovely mother moved the papers into a new home where they sprouted myriad baby piles of papers pertaining to God knows what.

I would call and ask, “What’s new mom?”

“Well I found a great pair of pants.  And I was going to get to my papers.  But maybe tomorrow.”

Now mom was very busy working as an office administrator.  It was a great position just filled with tasks full of papers.

The thing is, mom, though a whiz at her job, never actually liked papers

I never asked her but I think after retiring from her job she just cleaned out her office and brought the papers home.  And added them to other papers.

Where now they sit like skyscrapers. (Just kidding.)

Mom loves mysteries, so I ask of you mom, “What exactly are these papers…   When did they begin, and will you put them away?”

I am missing a pair of pants, and I wonder if somehow they aren’t’t submerged in a pile of papers.

I have a solution.  There’s no desk involved. We should just go through them and make 1000 paper hats

Then we could put them in bags and just give them to the Salvation Army.

But I digress as I always do.  As a child I was always afraid there was something hiding in my closet.

And now I know.  It was your bag of papers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Butchering ain’t reserved for meat. Now it’s English. Eh?

Mcdonald’s new slogan brought me out of hibernation.  What is going on with ruining English?

Lovin’ beats hatin’.

That’s what they paid millions for?  Where’s the”g”?   Where is the beef?

Better yet, where’s the cash?

I had a Corgi who barked more intelligently.

I worked for ad agencies years ago.  I may have typed copy but it was a complete sentence I typed.  I think.

How many times is better for ya’ replacing you.  And is it?

Is dat all there is my friends?  Is dat it?

Don diss me.  Please.

I ain’t lovin’ it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Jeans are Distressed! Help!

Okay jeans in general are upset.

First you cut off half their bottoms and made them skinny.   Then you took out cotton and strangled them in stretch. (I may as well wear Spanx out in public.)

Now you ripped them full of holes and try to sell them for hundreds of dollars.  They are not just distressed.  They are agitated.  They are aghast.  They hate their looks.

They may need psychiatric help

Personally I think they remember a simpler time when they were pulled together.  There was a time they had bells on.  Back then they were sew happy.

But now they are merely hanging on that display table by a thread.

Hang in there blue jeans.  It may seem tough now but it WILL get better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Last Straw

“This is a strawless facility,” the charming cashier said when I asked for a straw.

What!  Did I hear that correctly?  A strawless facility?  Did you mean braless, because there are a lot less bras these days.

But getting rid of straws?  You are taking the fun out of sipping my drink.  Through a straw.

Wait, there is no strawhole  (new Scrabble word) in my cup!!!!   I repeat: there is no strawhole in my cup!!!!!!

I know we are going paperless, braless and now strawless!  This is an abomination!

Are straws offensive?  Is slurping through a straw any worse than listening to people on cellphones all day?

What’s next, no napkins or paper plates?   I know, I know.

What about straw hats?

I am still peeved about trying to get rid of landline as opposed to water submerged phones .

I lament the loss of the English language as in:  who dat?  Eh?

I cried when they stopped reruns of Dick Van Dyke

I threw a tantrum when they replaced mediums with extra smalls.

I became severely depressed when they stopped making Teaberry gum.

I itched like crazy when they got rid of real tomatoes and replaced them with fakes

But please if something else has gotta go can you get rid of  deconstructed food (foam) and keep the straws?  Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, What’s My Gender?

It isn’t that hard to figure out. If, say, you do not know what gender you are, take a peek.

When did this confusion begin?

When I was in high school in the 70’s I do not recall one person who wasn’t sure what sex they were.  We knew! We knew because we looked!  At ourselves and each other!  There was not one boy with a vagina.  A girl with a penis?  Was it attached?  Run!!!!!!

There were confused teens however.  If I make a right at that stop sign will I hit the freeway??  If I smoke that pot will I end up like the girl in “Go Ask Alice?”  Does that top really go with those jeans?  Is that song about making love in a Chevy Van really good enough to be a top 10 hit?

Now the majority of people have no clue.  They have to identify as something.  What?  When did this “identify as” happen? This is like a multiple choice quiz with no right answer.

People are identifying as rabbits, hairdryers and lint brushes. They wake up one day and identify a butterfly and the next they identify as a butterfly?????

And do not dare call Erika Eric!

Has a space ship beamed thousands of binary? non binary creatures down to earth? Non-binary??? Are you critters serious?

It would make for a hit game show.

I can picture Chuck Woolery hosting “What’s My Gender.”

[Game Show music plays as Woolery saunters onstage.]

“Welcome to, “What’s My Gender” a great show where you guessed it, if you can, what is the gender of the contestant!”

“Our first contestant has never been sure until today….hails from New Jersey, has driven a forklift and worked in the Pillsbury test kitchen, likes lipstick and football, musicals and motorcycles….guys,  and dolls, snapchat, twitter and jdate.  Stilettos and birkenstocks, beards and birds.”

“The question is, He or She?”

The show was cancelled after one episode due to audience confusion.

As an aside, the pharmaceutical industry was overjoyed when it classified a new disorder, (WPO) or Weird People Overload and came out with a new drug Motaxisrostasis…..that numbs people to non binaries and pronouncing the name. Of course a stiff drink could do the same thing.

I blame all of this on Ken and Barbie….iconic dolls who HAD NO GENITALS!  It’s all Mattel’s fault….

 

 

The Snail Rail (or she’s got a ticket to ride if it moves)

Story of my life.  I have no car and am used to getting around by other means.

Now I am on Amtrak waiting, waiting, waiting to get outta town.   Of all the days I picked to leave, today they are not on track nor on schedule.

Another glitch in their switch.

I confess it’s been a looooooong time since I took this train.  When I sat down I looked for a seat belt!  I had to remind myself this is a train not a plane.  How I wish it were a plane gliding high above the clouds, whizzing me away from all cares, depositing me in a penthouse full of cash.  But I digress.

Instead I have a ticket to ride something that won’t budge.

They did pacify us with a mini cookie and a tiny bag of pretzels.

What is with everything so tiny?  It isn’t even real food!  Would it kill their bottom line to give us a few bags and a regular size bottle of water????

I could eat an entire lasagna with a glass of cabernet right now.  I am ready to eat the package the cookie came in!

There was just an announcement! They are waiting for a signal!!!! Hey Amtrak…I am giving you a big shout out!  Move!

P.S.  I did not make this up. The train is going. It had to switch tracks….but we are traveling BACKWARDS!!!!  The whole way!